Valentine’s Day is for lovers — but you don’t need a romantic soulmate to celebrate. The holiday is a chance to consider just how rich, diverse and beneficial every form of love is in the human experience, whether it comes from your family, friends, pets, neighbours or community.
Three experts shared how to nurture love in all its forms at a time when loneliness is an ” epidemic,” politics are divisive and turning to technology is often easier forreal-life social interactions.
You need more than just “the” love of your life
Romantic love — a deep, intimate partnership with another person or persons — is a valuable part of life. But experts say it’s good to remember that we need to have several sources of connection. “Especially as we get older, we recognize that no one relationship is going to provide us with everything,” said Mikaela Frissell, a social worker for UT Health Austin.
Love isn’t something that can easily be pinned down with a single definition or behaviour, either. As a verb, love has two things at play, according to epidemiologist Tyler VanderWeele, who directs Harvard University’s Human Flourishing Program. It can be both or either “unitive” — meaning you desire and want to be with the person or thing you love — or “contributive,” meaning you want to contribute to the good of your beloved.
The experts also said an expanded definition and view of love opens up the possibilities toward whom and what you can direct these “unitive” and “contributive” feelings.
The connection between love, loneliness and health
In 2023, then-U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy declared loneliness a public health epidemic. Murthy’s report said half of Americans have experienced loneliness and that it poses health risks as deadly as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. The research also found that people with poor social relationships had higher risk of stroke and heart disease, and that isolation raises a person’s chance of depression, anxiety and dementia.
Love’s strong social connections, bonding and support are linked to better health, because it allows the brain to signal to the body that you are safe and take your nervous system out of “fight or flight,” Frissell said. Research shows being with loved ones can lower blood pressure, stress hormones, reduce inflammation — even help you sleep and better manage pain.
The ongoing Harvard Study of Adult Development, which is the underpinning of the book “The Good Life,” showed the value of relationships across a lifetime. Anthony Chambers, a psychologist and chief academic officer at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, said one of the Harvard study’s findings was people who were happiest in their relationships at 50 were the healthiest mentally and physically at 80.
“The conclusion? Building meaningful and satisfying relationships is key to our health and well-being,” said Chambers, who worked on the study early in his career.
How can I nurture love?
Simply put, intentionally seek out in-person connections, experts said. What’s not so simple is planning things with other people. It may be uncomfortable to sift through calendars to find a date for dinner with a busy friend or to call your sibling who doesn’t have much to talk about. Perhaps it’ll be awkward to strike up a conversation with the elderly neighbour you haven’t met or join a softball team.
Acknowledge and interrogate the fears or assumptions that keep you from reaching out in those moments, Frissell said. There is also doing good things for other people — even if you don’t know them that well. Frissell challenges clients to compliment someone every day and be open to accepting one in return. The benefits of receiving and giving love are the same, she said.
VanderWeele recommends an exercise he practices: Choose one day a week, for six weeks, to do five acts of kindness. It forces you to plan and prioritize kindness intentionally, just like any other daily task, he said.
Love can build resilience
This Valentine’s Day, experts encourage you to think beyond one-on-one relationships and reflect on your community and world. Having a commitment to a cause or group builds mental resilience, they added.
“We all seek to be understood and validated, especially during difficult times. And relationships are arguably the most important context for emotional healing,” Chambers said. “When the world around us can seem to be in chaos or we’re feeling alone, relationships provide the opportunity for us to feel validated.”
VanderWeele also said it’s important to have even “love of enemy” — people who we don’t agree with or are in opposition to us. “The extent to which we love others well, we love our neighbours well, shapes the society we live in,” he said.
